Family gatherings when everyone's wired differently

Why family gatherings bring out our differences

At work, most people adapt their style to the setting. At family gatherings that effort tends to drop away. We are tired after a long year, out of our usual routines, often sharing space, and back in roles we have played since childhood. So everyone becomes a little more of their natural style.

Add the South African December, with long hot days, a house full of cousins and a braai that started three hours late, and small differences in pace and priorities can feel much bigger than they are.

How each style experiences a big family day

Each style brings something the day needs, and each has its own way of running out of patience.

• Direct: wants a plan and a job to do. Takes charge of the fire, the lifts or the seating, and gets frustrated with slow decisions and long debates about where to eat. At their best they get things moving; under strain they can steamroll.
• Inspiring: the one telling stories at the head of the table. Loves the crowd, the noise and the catching up. At their best they bring everyone together; under strain they may invite extra people without warning or vanish when the washing up starts.
• Steady: quietly makes sure everyone is fed, included and comfortable, and remembers who does not eat what. At their best they hold the day together; under strain they say yes to everything and are exhausted by the 27th.
• Careful: has thought about the timings, the quantities and the cooler box. Prefers to observe and enjoys one or two good conversations. At their best they make sure nothing goes wrong; under strain they withdraw or start correcting how things are being done.

Common family clashes, and what is really going on

Many of the arguments that come back every year are style differences in disguise.

• 'Why can't we just decide?' A faster-paced relative wants a decision now; a more measured one wants to think, or to check with everyone first.
• 'Nobody told me.' A change that feels minor to a Direct or Inspiring family member can feel sudden to a Steady or Careful one.
• 'You're very quiet, are you OK?' A measured family member who is recharging is not necessarily upset.
• 'Stop fussing.' Careful checking can look like criticism, and Inspiring spontaneity can look like carelessness.
• 'I do everything around here.' Steady family members often take on more than their share and say nothing until it boils over.

Practical ways to help the day go well

None of these needs anyone to change who they are. They just give each style a little of what it needs.

• Share the plan early, even a rough one: who is coming, what time and who is bringing what.
• Give everyone a job that suits them. Let the Direct cousin run the fire, the Inspiring aunt welcome people and the Careful brother handle the shopping list.
• Build in quiet. A walk, a nap or an hour by the pool lets the measured family members recharge before the evening.
• Share the load out loud, so the Steady people are not quietly doing everything.
• Pick your moment for difficult topics. A crowded lunch table is rarely the right place.
• Leave some room for spontaneity, so the plan does not turn into a schedule.

Talking to the relative who winds you up

Every family has one. Often it is the person whose style is furthest from yours: the fast talker who interrupts, or the quiet one who never says what they think. Adjusting a little for one afternoon is far easier than trying to change them.

Everyday differences in style are normal and workable. They are not the same as long-running hurt, control or harm, which style awareness will not fix. If a family situation leaves you feeling unsafe or overwhelmed, talk to someone you trust, or call LifeLine on 0861 322 322.

• With a Direct relative: get to the point, and try not to take bluntness personally.
• With an Inspiring relative: show interest in their stories, and confirm any plans in a message afterwards.
• With a Steady relative: ask what they would like, and wait for the answer.
• With a Careful relative: give them the details in advance and time to think.

See where the two of you differ

If the same two people clash every December, a DISC Test pair report can help. It puts two profiles side by side and shows where you click, where you clash and what each of you can try. It works for parents and adult children, siblings and in-laws, and it starts with the free test.