Holiday plans as a couple: the planner and the free spirit

Why holidays bring out your differences

During the year, routines do a lot of quiet work in a relationship. On holiday the routines disappear and every choice is up for discussion: where to go, how far to drive each day, what to spend, when to get up and whether to book anything at all. In South Africa, add the December rush, long drives on the N2 and family expecting a visit, and there is plenty to talk about.

Most of these disagreements are not really about the holiday. They come from two different ways of making decisions and spending time.

The planner and the free spirit

In DISC terms, the planner often has a strong Careful or Steady style. They relax when they know what is happening: the route, the bookings, the budget and a backup plan. The free spirit often has a strong Inspiring or Direct style. They relax when they can follow whatever looks good: a beach they spotted from the road, a tip from a stranger or a sudden detour into the mountains.

Each can see the other's approach as the thing that spoils the holiday. To the planner, no plan means stress and wasted days. To the free spirit, a full itinerary feels like work. Both want a good holiday; they just define relaxing differently.

What each style wants from a holiday

Most couples are a mix, but these patterns are a good place to start the conversation.

• Direct: activity, a challenge and quick decisions. Happy to drive far, climb the hill and try the thing. Gets restless on long, empty days.
• Inspiring: new places, new people and fun. Wants to say yes to the unexpected and share it all. Can lose track of budgets and bookings.
• Steady: rest, familiar comforts and time together. Often happiest going back to a place they love. Finds constant changes of plan tiring.
• Careful: a good plan, value for money and some quiet. Enjoys the research almost as much as the trip. Finds last-minute changes and chaos draining.

Three conversations to have before you go

Most holiday arguments can be headed off in an hour at the kitchen table, a few weeks before you leave.

If family is part of your December plans, add a fourth conversation: how many days with whom, and what you will say if someone asks you to stay longer.

• What does each of us need to come back rested? Ask this before you talk about where to go. The answers are often more different than you expect.
• How much do we plan? Agree what gets booked in advance, such as where you sleep, and what stays open, such as what you do each day.
• What are we spending? Agree a budget, a buffer and who keeps track. Money is easier to talk about before the trip than at the till.

A plan that works for both of you

The aim is a holiday with enough structure for the planner and enough freedom for the free spirit.

• Book the anchors and leave the gaps: fix where you sleep, and leave most days open.
• Give each person days to lead. The planner organises the wine-farm day; the free spirit chooses the mystery day.
• Keep a shared list of 'maybe' ideas rather than an itinerary.
• Build in some time apart. One of you takes the hike while the other reads by the pool.
• Have a rainy-day plan. It keeps the planner calm and costs the free spirit nothing.

When plans go wrong on the road

Something always goes wrong: the car, the weather, the booking that was never quite confirmed. How each of you reacts is largely a matter of style.

Afterwards, talk about what worked and what you would change. The best holiday plans are the ones a couple improves together, year after year.

• Direct partners want to fix it now. Let them, then check the fix works for both of you.
• Inspiring partners may laugh it off or turn it into an adventure. That helps, as long as the problem still gets solved.
• Steady partners may go quiet and say it is fine. Ask what would actually help.
• Careful partners may want to work out what went wrong. Agree to go over it later, once you have somewhere to sleep.

See your two styles side by side

If you want to understand each other's differences before the next trip, start with the free test, then compare. The DISC Test couples pack (R449) includes a Full Playbook for each of you, a pair report showing where you click and where you clash, and conversation prompts to use together. Each person's answers stay private, and it never scores or judges your relationship.